Ally Week!

Hey, Everyone! It's been quite some time, but today is the start of Ally Week. GLSEN (the Gay, Lesbian and Straight Education Network) began the initiative in 2005 and the concept has really caught on. With that in mind, here is a perfect example of how an ally can stand-up for someone who appears to be "different."

My Princess Boy is written by a mom whose son wants to dress up like a princess.

But, the story of how quickly his family adjusted - and, then what his school did to support - is the most moving part... Be an ALLY this week!

Black Woman Walking

This could easily have been posted on our Girl Talk blog... But, it's probably more important for our guys to LISTEN to what these women are saying:

Run Before You Walk

On Saturday, May 1st, The Girls & Boys Projects directors Jule Jo Ramirez and Javaid Khan conducted a workshop at PS 57 in East Harlem. The event - the first of its kind - was a Young Runners Clinic organized by the New York Road Runners. It integrated the topic of running with healthy eating, puberty, and lifestyle choices.

The boys worked directly with Javaid and set the tone for the workshop right out of the starting gate. During the introductory exercise of telling the group your name and one thing about you no one in the room knows, a young Dominican boy from the Bronx (name changed here) opened with, "My name is Luis. And, my Dad is in prison." His honesty immediately changed the dynamic of a bunch of 12 year-old boys, mostly strangers to one another, in a new setting, talking about an awkward topic: puberty.

The boys had a ton of questions and comments, myths and confusions, and also a lot of information. Together, the group navigated toward correct answers and addressed misinformation. Some of the questions/comments that stood out:

Why do your armpits smell?

• Why do we grow hair in our parts?
• How do you know when a girl likes you?
• How do you make your penis bigger? Because, my friend told me that when you put on a condom, it gets bigger.
• Can you get an erection when you run?
• Can you not go through puberty?

Needless to say, there was a lot of work to do that day... It is great that the Road Runners recognized the importance of giving kids correct information in order to make healthy choices in life!

From The "You Can't Be Serious" Department

Comes this story about a new game kids are playing. The type of game that anyone over the age of 22 has to scratch his head and wonder, "Am I just old? Because this makes no sense..."

The recent death by suffocation of an 11 year-old in Nebraska has brought light to a game kids are playing for the rush they get - a choking game. As quoted in an AOL News piece, "The purpose is when you have restricted oxygen and blood flow to your brain, you get a euphoric rush." Some are trying it solo, others in groups. And, as is clearly evident, kids are dying from it.

In The Tipping Point, Malcolm Gladwell writes about the bizarre epidemic of suicide in Micronesia in the 70's and 80's. He discusses how an idea can become contagious, like a virus. It appears that games like these are having a similar effect.

Every now and then, we learn about something new that kids are trying for the thrill - mixing over the counter medicines, sniffing glue, playing in traffic or on train tracks. But, what parent ever imagines having to have the "Don't choke yourself" talk?

Some ideas (like the one in the picture above) just don't seem to need a discussion. Let's just hope this choking game doesn't 'tip' . . .

Boys Lose!

We've followed the statistics relating to Black males on Boy Talk Online, but Nicholas D. Kristof of The New York Times shows us in his latest opinion piece that the problem is not relegated to Black makes. In "The Boys Have Fallen Behind," Kristof cites statistics from a newly published study that illustrate the chasm forming between girls and boys in education. And, it's not unique to America...

One such statistic gives a clear example of what boys are facing in school:

• Boys are twice as likely to get suspended as girls, and three times as likely to be expelled. Estimates of dropouts vary, but it seems that about one-quarter more boys drop out than girls.

It seems like now is the right time to accelerate the dialogue on what boys need from school that they are not getting. We've always known there were differences between boys and girls, but have we made adjustments to our educational systems? It may be time to start...


Note: The piece also introduces us to the site: guysread.com - a website devoted to generating book options for boys. At a recent panel discussion, an exasperated mother asked of the panel, "How do I get my son to read?" This site is a great starting point...

An Uphill Battle

On Tuesday, March 2 Teach For America hosted a panel discussion entitled, "Men of Color & Education: A Discussion on the Pursuit of Excellence." The conversation was centered around Black and Latino boys and the challenges they face in our school system. The star-studded panel included rapper Common, singer John Legend, former NBA player Eric Snow, Bronx Borough President Rueben Diaz, Jr., and professors Dr. Pedro Noguera and Dr. Marc Lamont Hill. The event was moderated by David C. Banks, founder and president of the Eagle Academy Foundation.

      

Each panelist brought something different to the table. Whether it was his experience as a teacher, father, mentor, researcher, musician, etc. each voice was unique. Dr. Noguera, Dr. Hill, and Mr. Diaz offered a number of eye-opening statistics including:

• Stuyvesant High School (one of the city's specialized high schools) accepted SIX Black boys this year.
• At Bronx High School of Science, only 5% of its students are actually from the Bronx.
• Last year, more money was spent on surveillance equipment for schools than for similar equipment in prisons.
• Indicators among 3rd and 4th grade Black and Latino boys (dropouts, suspensions, expulsions, failings) can forecast for state officials just how many prison spaces they will need when these boys are of age.

There were many more statistics and opinions offered, but these were particularly glaring. So, the question remained: What do we do? And, the answers came in many forms, offering different perspectives and solutions. We heard about eliminating failing schools, having one great teacher in every room, adding mentors, psychologists and social workers, scrapping No Child Left Behind as a failed program and starting over, holding our representatives responsible, increase parent involvement, and the list goes on.

These concepts have been debated - and, will continue to be debated - for quite some time. But, it was really moving to hear not only the pros and cons of making these changes, but also the passion with which these men wanted to see that change through. Some spoke more of institutional or systematic changes in government, others debated the efficacy of charter schools vs. public, and others spoke about the need to rejuvenate "the village" and love our kids better.

What was most clear is that there is no one answer. The problem needs to be addressed from all angles. Better teachers. Better schools. Better curriculum. Better policies. Question what privatizing prisons - i.e. making prisons profitable - means to those groups disproportionately populating them. Question why certain new schools are able to take kids from the same pool and make them succeed. Question everything... but, DO something.


Overall, the panel was a great success. If done in the future, they might wish to reduce the size of the panel as some voices overshadowed others, but there isn't too much else to change. And, definitely bring Mr. Banks back as moderator... Kudos to Jemina Bernard and all of the TFA team that made the event possible!

Highlight: During the audience open-mic portion, a 5th grader from Brooklyn stepped up to the mic and asked the panel, "We've been to the assemblies and heard all of the talks, but I still get bullied. How do we stop bullying in our schools?" (He received a huge applause for being the only audience member to be able to succinctly ask a question!) We've reached out to his principal immediately...

What Is That SMELL?!

Grooming has become somewhat of a necessity in young boys - and, no, we can't blame this on the cast of Jersey Shore...

In "Masculinity in a Can," The Times depicts this trend as growing at an alarming rate - not among teens, but among preteens. Boys 10 and 12 years old are spending their (and their parents') money on deodorant, body sprays, and hair care products. And, the biggest product winners appear to be TAG and AXE, whose edgy marketing ads are aimed at the highly sought-after 18-24 demographic. But, in trying to keep up with the trendy older boys, the article asserts, pre-teenage boys have caught on.

The trend seems to be a result of a perfect storm of factors:

• Boys' bodies are changing at that age. With hormones raging and odors emanating, it's when they begin to use deodorant, in general.
• Girls of the same age are maturing at a faster rate. They are influencing the boys of the same age to take matters into their own hands, which means styling your hair and refining your overall presentation.
• Marketing campaigns are being targeted in different arenas, such as video games and youtube, which will invariably reach younger and younger audiences.
• And, it's the perfect age to catch these boys. Between the ages of 10-14, boys are trying to establish their identities. They become conscious of their appearance, their smell, their social group. Given the notion that a small change like applying body spray can dictate how cool or desirable you will be makes the answer simple - get me some product!

The short answer is, of course, peer pressure. Whether it is from older boys, boys of the same age, or girls the influence of the peer group is still the strongest motivating factor. This much has not really changed over the years, except that the message is coming in stronger and faster than ever. A market consultant is quoted in the piece as saying, "The peer pressure is starting from the girls, who are discussing how much someone smells or what they look like, and it’s being recorded in real time by e-mail and texting."

Can you imagine being 11 and having an off day in the body odor department? Except, by the time you leave homeroom, every kid in your grade with a cell phone has gotten an alert that you stink today? It's not hard to see why these companies are making a killing...

(Didn't really need this ad . . . but can you believe that's LL Cool J??)

Making Their Voices Heard

We thought it would be a good idea to post this video today. It is entitled "Voices" and was first aired publicly at our benefit dinner in 2008. We can talk about the benefit of our programs to no end, but it sometimes just makes more sense to hear it from those who are most directly affected by them: your students.

The video always reminds us of why we do the work we do. Hopefully, it will do the same for you. Enjoy!

Makes ME Wanna Holler.

Did you ever read Nathan McCall's 1994 book Makes Me Wanna Holler? If so, you might recall a graphic and honest recount of McCall as a young boy participating in an abhorrible act - the gang rape of a young, unsuspecting girl. The section is entitled "Trains" - the nickname given to the act of one boy after another participating in this group rape. And, it makes you sick to your stomach reading it...


It's hard to get the image out of your head. The questions that arise about the attackers are endless, the answers unsatisfying. Why? How could you take part in this? What makes you think it's acceptable? How could you not care about another human being like this? There is hardly a response that will lessen the anger you feel as an outsider looking in.


And, you should know that as you read this story that came out of the Bay Area in October. On the school grounds of Richmond High School, during a homecoming dance, a 15-year old girl was brutally beaten and raped by 10 young men, while at least 20 people watched and did nothing. As with so many of these gang rapes, the victim went voluntarily to the destination - in this case, an alley near the school - but, what began as hanging out turned quickly to an attack.

The details of the story can be found in the article link above and won't be revisited here, but so many phrases from the article pop out at you: "macho," "bravado," "degradation of women." We've heard these terms associated with boys and young men for far too long. But, they are important to remind us what we're up against in raising young boys to make smart choices in becoming positive young men.

A teacher at Richmond's quotation in the article speaks volumes: "Those boys who did what they did weren't picturing that girl as a human. I think you see these kinds of boys at a lot of high schools - so desensitized it was like they saw her as a toy. Boys like that - there aren't many like them, but they can be so hard. All they needed was something to set them off."

Here's to hoping there really aren't "that many like them."

Toddlers In Tiaras?

Not a problem, until it's your son... Or, is it a problem?

Time Out New York Kids' article profiles three kids - two toddlers and an eight-year old - who prefer to look and dress like their opposite gender. And, for the hip New York moms and dads featured, the parental route to pursue is support vs. confusion. If that's what he wants to wear, if that's what makes him happy, then why fight it?

The article's subtitle is very interesting: "Got a cross-dressing kid? Ease up on the validation, experts say—it may not be what you think." The author's point is that parents of children who like to play cross-dress-up should not rush to judgement in either direction. Historically, parents tried to 'reverse the curse,' fearing that their kids might turn out to be gay, bi, or just confused. But, many modern parents try to go the other route and support - even push - a transgender lifestyle, which according to the article is not guaranteed.

Obviously, there is no one solution. However, the study cited in the article puts the chance at 75% that a child who cross-dresses with eventually identify as homosexual or bisexual. These yearnings and demonstrations by a child may be exactly the identifiers parents are constantly looking for to tell them who their child will eventually be (you know the parents who get excited when their daughter picks up a basketball, or when their son shows an affinity for singing?). At 75%, it's a lot more than a possibility...

The article ends by acknowledging that talking to your child is the most important part of the process. Indeed, these parents may make some mistakes along the way, but as long as their kids know that they are supported, they're on the right path.

"My Man... Fix Your Skirt."

That probably doesn't sound as strange to the current generation of teens as it would to their parents.

It is safe to assume that as with any school rule, dress codes have been challenged since their inception. Girls have fought over skirt length and makeup, boys over blazers and ties. Even The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air wore his blazer inside out and, occasionally, his ties around his head - pushing the letter of the law without breaking it.

But, "Can A Boy Wear A Skirt To School?" brings light to an entirely new set of challenges and questions regarding dress code, gender identity, sexuality, and safety. And, it is clear from where this article gets its information, this is a widespread discussion (the schools range from Florida to California, Ohio to Texas, and everywhere in between).

What's the main issue, you ask? Wish it were that easy. The issues are complex and large in number: the stifling of identity, a lack of tolerance, protection from harassment, harassment, conformity, discouragement of self-expression, the limiting of classroom disruptions, and the list goes on. How do you address the students who want to cross-dress, and the teacher who says the other kids in the class can't concentrate? Or, the case of Lawrence King - a young boy who had something in him telling him to dress a certain way that didn't fit with the norm. He was happy that way. And, yet there was a classmate who had something in him telling him that a boy who dresses that way . . . doesn't deserve to live?

It's probably safe to say that most parents want the same three things for their child at school: to learn, to be safe, to be happy. The question is... in what order?

Out Of The Darkness

Sponsored by the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention, the "Out of the Darkness Community Walks" are designed to raise money and awareness to the issues of depression and suicide. They also assist those who have lost someone close to them to suicide.

Among the facts you can read on their site, AFSP posts that although women attempt suicide three times as much as men, men account for four times as many deaths by suicide. And, looking through the statistics, many of them "make sense;" meaning, one can understand the reasons behind them. For example, although guns are the leading method of suicide in both men and women, men tend to use this more immediate, more fatal option first vs. trying pills or other methods. Women tend to seek help (in this case, a cry for help) more than men. No matter the reason or method, those left behind after suicide must "try to make sense of it."

Last winter, two high-school boys in New York City - one at Packer Collegiate School, one at The Dalton School - took their lives, leaving their communities struggling to find answers. This Sunday, October 18th, a team from Packer is walking to honor their classmate, student, and friend Chris. If you would like more information on how to participate, or wish to monitor or donate to team "Packer Generations" (they've already raised over $11,000!), please visit the site.

Jesus Was Hot In That, Too!

Great line from a fantastic piece: "Coming Out In Middle School,"by Benoit Denizet-Lewis. The article chronicles stories of middle schoolers from Oklahoma to California who identify as gay or bisexual. Some are out to their families, peers, and schools, some aren't. And, although each kid's story is unique, there is one thought that consistently makes an appearance:

"You're so young, how could you possibly know already?"

Many acknowledge in the article how flawed this argument really is. How many would question it if your 12 year-old son or nephew said he had a crush on a girl? Would he be too young to know? The mother of 12 year-old Kera put it best: "I knew I was interested in boys when I was her age, so it didn’t strike me as unusual that Kera might know she’s interested in boys and girls, put two and two together and call herself bisexual. Kids just know what those words mean a lot earlier than when I was growing up.”

Obviously, not everyone is able to see the logic in that sentiment. From being ostracized by friends and family to actually being assaulted (with a bible?!), these teens and pre-teens are faced with a difficult choice of whether to come out or not; something generations before them faced, but without the presence of school organizations (like GSAs - Gay, Straight, Alliances), and probably with less open-minded adults around them.

What stands out in all of their stories is the role school plays in their lives. A comedian once said something like, "I don't know why parents beat their kids... when damaging them psychologically is so much more permanent." Parents play a huge role in our lives, but acceptance by the peer group at this age? Hard to say whether it's more important, but it's certainly up there. Some schools seem to get this concept completely. But, addressing issues of sexuality is still not easy for every teacher to do. Comments from teachers range from avoidance to discomfort:

"If I have to stop what I’m doing every time a student says ['You're gay!'], I won’t have any time to teach!"

Jennifer Mathieu Blessington of Johnston Middle School in Houston has adopted a simple policy that more teachers should try to impart on their students: "We don’t use the word 'gay' in a negative way in this classroom. Gay people are human beings, and that’s the way we talk about them in here. Is that understood?"

And, the discomfort:

"... Others are afraid to address the language because they feel like it would mean talking about sexuality, which they aren’t comfortable doing in a middle school setting."

The Girl Talk and Boy Talk Blogs are not intended to be plugs for our program. Through our blogs, we hope to facilitate discussions and stimulate some thought - and, occasionally offer a fun read. But, it's so hard to see a sentiment like this without thinking about The Girls & Boys Projects. In addition to trying to empower students to find their own voices, we also hope teachers will obtain new language and comfortability in dealing with these social issues.

As is clearly evident from the article, changing the culture of a school - of a society - is a collaborative effort. And, we're glad to be doing our part.

The Normalization Of Failure

The Black Male Donor Collaborative held an event this week to introduce potential funders to the great work the organization has undertaken. The program saw very passionate speakers addressing the problems Black males face in the public school system in America, particularly in New York City.

While there were many insights that evening, two ideas stood out. The first, offered by Dr. John Jackson, President and CEO of The Schott Foundation is that there is no "silver-bullet" to solve all of the inequities in public education. The solution is a combined effort that focuses on better resources, teacher accountability, funding for schools and programs that work, removing those that don't, and the list goes on.

The other idea appears in this entry's title: "the normalization of failure." Dr. Pedro Noguera of NYU is the lead researcher for the Collaborative. Among other things, his work has highlighted the fact that while the country may not be consciously steering Black males to fail in school or end up in prison, most Americans have come to view this as the norm; a position he refuses to accept.

It was refreshing to hear emphasis placed on the "whole child," which shows the importance programs like The Girls & Boys Projects have on our young people's full development. While testing is important, if a child is unhappy in school, he (or she) will eventually not want to be there. Obviously, it's going to take a real collaborative effort to turn our educational system around...

Caught On Camera

It's crazy. Every time we turn around, there's a new harmful phenomenon grabbing our kids. The trend of posting fights between teens online is growing in popularity. It gained local attention recently, when a video of girls fighting in the Bronx made it to the news. But, it only takes a quick search to find hundreds and hundreds of similar videos.

The consistent dominance of professional wrestling (WWE) and the increasing popularity of ultimate fighting (UFC) should tell us that, as a society, we enjoy watching a fight. Whether we claim to see artistry in the battle, or whether we just like seeing someone get knocked out, something about a fight captures our attention.

But, bullying caught on camera? Then, posted for - what - bragging rights?? What's crazy is that some of these videos are not "meet me after school in the park" fights, but actual bullying and assault cases. And, if you search for anti-bullying videos on YouTube, you will find quite a few - many have been viewed thousands of times. But, search for a good old fight? The viewership these videos get is astounding - and almost instantaneous.

How do we combat this new trend? Kids have been fighting at lunch and after school - probably since school was created. But, the presence of camera phones and the internet add a new dimension to the fold. Now, there is fame to achieve. Now, there are global bragging rights to obtain. And, unfortunately, now there is one less bystander who might have been able to break up the fight . . . because he's holding the camera.

Many are asking questions of YouTube and other free video hosting sites: what is their role and responsibility, and what should their policies be? Schools are also asking questions - what is the reach of school rules? Can students be punished for off-campus fights? These are all worthy questions. But, we may not find solutions until we ask ourselves what kind of society we are that just can't get enough of watching these fights happen...

Ending on a more positive note, an anti-bullying campaign:

Take a Stand. Lend a Hand.

Stop Bullying Now!

That's the mantra headlining the government's anti-bullying campaign. The website is extremely accessible and kid-friendly (mostly ages 9-13, with information for anyone - including an Educator's Corner and a Family Corner). Kids will be able to relate to the stories and scenarios, which were contributed by the Expert Youth Panel, i.e. other kids. Encourage kids to take the "Do You Bully Others" quiz . . . Examples include:

• You and your friends have regularly kept one or more kids from hanging out or playing with you. 
  
• You've teased people in a mean way, calling them names, making fun of their appearance, or the way they talk or dress or act.
  

Congrats to the HRSA for creating a great resource for kids. Hopefully, kids will take away some tools for dealing with bullying...

Let Them Lead The Way

It's hard to imagine what it's like to be a gay or bi-sexual teacher in schools these days. With the language that students use, it's even harder to imagine how one could come out in that environment. That's why Chance Nalley's story is so refreshing.

When Nalley came out to his school in 2007, the reaction was surprise, then surprise:

“I was really surprised,” recalled [a] 13-year old boy. “It didn’t change anything about what we thought about him, though.”

Surprised?

Yes, kids can certainly be mean at times. Honestly, they can be flat out ruthless. But, they can also be the most supportive audience when they're ready. And, they can teach adults a lot about acceptance and openness . . .

(Warning: Happy Ending)

The 32 year-old teacher is going to celebrate his commitment to his partner in a ceremony this April . . . and, is expecting almost 100 of his middle schoolers to be there.

Don't Google Your Name!

It was advice given by a former American Idol contestant to the current cast.  Rihanna may need to take this advice to heart.

The internet reaction to the Rihanna-Chris Brown saga has been alarming . . . and, yet, somewhat predictable. Were Rihanna to read these comments, she might start to believe that this assault was her fault. Young female voices are placing the blame on Rihanna in large numbers - and in no uncertain terms. Yes, they are girls and young women, but they are also fans:

“She probly ran into a door and was too embarrassed so blamed it on chris.” (NYTimes March 18, 2009)

After sitting in on a NYC middle school advisory this week, it is clear that this "siding" [with Chris Brown] is the norm, not the exception. Are we raising a generation of girls that will come to accept violence in relationships as normal? Even worse, are we raising boys who are listening to these girls and thinking, "If they don't have a problem with it..."

The Othello lesson at the end of the article (above) is one approach to addressing this issue. Would love to hear what else is being done out there...

You're My Boy, Blue!

New terms make their way into our lexicon daily.  Some need more explaining than others. In fact, if you have an hour to kill, try explaining "Twitter" to a parent or grandparent... Well, it seems there's a term that has actually been around for quite some time, but is really gaining popularity in recent years - and, definitely has some 'splaining to do: BROMANCE

A bromance or "man-crush" is a close but non-sexual relationship between two men.

Come again?

It turns out that two guys who are really close - watch games together, have a drink, make regular time to hang out - could be involved in a bromance.  "Here's To Bromance" discusses the many nuances of bromances, as well as theories about the term's origins. What's fascinating is that all of the aspects described? Used to be called "best friends."

One is left to wonder how this term will change the way men behave towards each other. Men already have a hard time sharing feelings with other men at the risk of seeming soft, how will they react when others imply that the friendship they have is actually an intimate relationship? It's hard to find anything wrong with these friendships, but will men have the courage to overlook the taunts? To build solid bonds with their boys despite the bromance label?

It's not likely that a similar term will be cast upon women pursuing the same bonds with other women - those are still "BFF" relationships. What's more likely are images like the one seen below. Very funny, but at what cost?

Can't Focus With Her In The Room?

 

Seems that's the case for a lot of boys. And, one school in the Bronx is trying to address it. Not completely going the traditional route of a single-sexed school, PS 140 is attempting to solve some of its performance numbers by separating girls and boys for certain academic classes.  

The thought behind the experiment is simple: "some advocates believe that girls are more likely to participate in class when no boys are present — and that boys, particularly those from low-income families, tend to focus better without girls around." (NYTimes March 10, 2009)

The results? Arguable at best. PS 140 has seen results - especially where behavior is concerned. But, the jury is still out in other schools around the country on this topic.

One point that's hard to dispute, however, is that conversations about social issues? Body changes, bullying, hormones, feelings?? Those conversations are NEVER the same when we're all in the room...